Smash Wars
by Pikazilla
Summary: Sonic tells Mario the story about Star Wars, in his own way... with ssbb characters! Don't forget to review it.


Title: **Smash Wars**  
Category: Games » Super Smash Brothers  
Author: Pikazilla  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi  
Published: 03-28-08, Updated: 03-29-09  
Chapters: 30, Words: 14,365

**Chapter 1: Intro**

The classic crossover fight has now become a reality

_The classic crossover fight has now become a reality. MARIO VS SONIC!_

_Or Sonic vs Mario._

_Or whatever the you like to call it._

_Luckily, Ssbb is not as inaccurate and stupid as an Olympic game, so there's no way Bowser can outrun Sonic characters or other crap like that._

**Mario:** Mama mia!

(Sonic is throwing smart bombs at Mario)

**Sonic:** I got to admit, Nintendo comes up with some weird but effective items.

(Sonic throws one last smart bomb, but it is a dud)

**Mario: **Hmm?

**Sonic:** Uh… What just happened?

(Sonic and Mario look closely at the bomb, but the bomb explodes accidentally. Both fighters are sent flying but land on the stage)

**Sonic:** Damn it!

**Mario:** Mama mia, you can't swear!

**Sonic:** What do mean, I swear all the time in my recent games. One of my games was rated T.

**Mario:** Well, that's what makes you suck-ah.

**Sonic:** Uh, no. It makes me cool. Finally, someone can play a videogame where the characters are as mature as their ages. Where the enemies are robots with chain guns and missiles. Yet you're a middle aged, overweight plumber who saves a dumb blonde princess that always gets captured by a giant turtle with an army that anyone can beat. What kind of army uses brown mushrooms that die when you jump on their skulls? Real armies use tanks and rifles. Bowser's army uses turtles that throw hammers.

**Mario:** Well, I still-ah save an entire kingdom. What do you save?

**Sonic:** Uh, the world. My badguy, Eggman, use weapons that are the size of the moon to try and rule the world. Although they're all a big rip off of the Death-Star, you have to give him some credit.

**Mario:** What's a Death-Star?

**Sonic:** You know, from Star Wars.

**Mario:** What's-ah Star Wars?

**Sonic:** (confused) You… never herd of Star Wars?

**Mario:** Not before today.

**Sonic: **Dude, you have a lot to learn. Let me start at the beginning. The first film, which is called the 4th film but is technically the first in the series, was created during the beginning of disco, 1977.

_The Starwars intro appears as Pikachu sings the intro song._

Pii, Pii, Pikapii pii, pii, pikapii pii, pii, pika-achu.

Pii, Pii, Pikapii pii, pii, pikapii pii, pii, pika-achu.

Pii pika pika...

**Mario:** Ok pika, you can shut up now.

**Chapter 2: Episode 4 Tantive 4**

Episode 4 Tantive 4

C3PO-Sandbag

R2D2-Rob

Leia-Zelda

Stormtroopers-Alloys

Darth Vader-Meta Knight

It was a time when the universe was ruled by an evil dictator, similar to Nazi Germany without the Jews. Obviously, an empire like this is _really_ hated, so a rebellion, that doesn't got a hope in hell of winning, was created. Some spoiled rotten princess whore stole some valuable information from the evil empire 'cause she was a rebel too. Although she's hot, remember that she's a hateful bitch. After insulting the empire with a yo mama joke, they attacked her with no mercy. She was escaping in a large spaceship until the empire found her. The empire's army fought the rebel army on the ship.

**C3PO/Sandbag** R2, why am I a punching bag?

**R2/Rob** You don't want to know, but you'll find out eventually.

**Sandbag** Hey R2, look! They are shooting at each other in this hallway. I dare you to walk through the crossfire.

**Rob **Only if you do too.

For some reason, these two robots walked right in-between a volley of laser blasts.

**Sandbag** Hey R2, do you know where the bathroom is? I need to find the shower 'cause my head is on fire. Laser blasts are hot and sandbags are flammable.

**Rob** It's down the hall! Now do you mind, I'm with the princess.

**Sandbag** Fine, I'm going.

**Leia/Zelda** Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.

**Rob **Oh yeah, he's your _only_ hope. You do realize that you command most of the rebel army, right?

**Zelda** Well, he_ is_ a jedi.

**Rob **He's retired. Plus, he's a hippie. He's always like, 'don't kill your evil, arch rival or you'll turn evil' or 'lets not fight these guys even though we can beat the crap out of them'.

**Zelda **I know what I'm doing! Just go in an escape pod.

While the robots run away, the leader of the empire's army, Darth Vader, walks on the ship.

**Darth Vader/Meta Knight** You know what; I just realized that I could have used my lightsaber and my _coolness _to kill all these guys without losing any of my men.

**Yellow Alloy** Sir, you are really dim.

**Meta Knight** Hey, shut up or my glowing sword will chop you up like sushi.

For some reason, there were a few rebels still alive, even though the empire's army was supposed to kill them all.

**Meta Knight** Uh, why is this guy still alive? I TOLD YOU GUYS TO KILL THE REBELS! Why is this guy still alive? Forget it, I'll finish him off.

I guess my version of the story might not be entirely accurate, but it is cooler. Since Meta Knight is like 2ft tall, he's trying to jump in the air and choke this rebel. After realizing that his hand is too small to choke him, he trips the rebel and jumps on his throat to try and choke him.

**Meta Knight** Now, tell me. Where are the secret plans?

**Green Alloy** Sir, I think you accidentally killed him.

**Meta Knight** My bad.

**Red Alloy** Also, why didn't you force choke him?

**Meta Knight** I have my reasons!

**Yellow** Sir I found the princess.

Meta Knight sees Zelda.

**Meta Knight** Hey baby, you look sexy. Do you find me sexy?

**Zelda** Shut up.

**Meta Knight **Whoa, don't be mean to me. The Chicas like my _'sword'_.

**Yellow** Sir, what about the plans?

**Meta Knight** Oh, right. Where are the plans?

**Zelda **I don't know what you're talking about.

**Meta Knight** Oh yeah? Take her to the prison.

**Red **Which one?

**Meta Knight** The one with the raping tentacle beast in the trash compactor. That will teach her.

As they steal the princess, the robots escape in an escape pod.

**Green** Sir look. An escape pod!

**Red** Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.

**Green** Can I still shoot it?

**Red** No, we'll be wasting our lasers.

**Green** Aren't lasers solar powered?

**Red **I don't know. Besides, it's out of range now.

**Green **I _SO _want to kill your ass.

**Sandbag **Hey R2, I just realized… are there parachutes in here?

**Rob **No….

**Sandbag** So, how do we slow down the pod once it enters the atmosphere?

**Rob** We don't.

**Sandbag** WHAT THE !

**Chapter 3: Episode 4 Tatooine**

Episode 4-Tatooine

C3PO Sandbag

R2D2 Rob

Jawas Waddle Dees

The two robots arrive on the planet by somehow crash-landing from space

**Sandbag **How did that crash not kill us?

**Rob **I don't know. Look, let's just go.

Rob walks away.

**Sandbag** Wait, where are you going?

**Rob** We need to find Obi Wan, right? That's what I'm doing.

**Sandbag** Well, I got a map of Tatooine and it says there's a town north from here.

**Rob** Well, which way is north?

**Sandbag** I don't know.

**Rob** You would think robots like us would have something that would help us travel around the galaxy. The only thing we have is a paper map.

**Sandbag** Wait, don't you have a wireless internet on your computer?

**Rob** Oh right! I'll check Google Earth.

**Sandbag** What? Why Google Earth? We are on Tatooine!

**Rob** Well, there's no Google Tatooine now is there...

**Sandbag** Well, lets just walk until we find some town.

Sandbag walks away.

**Sandbag** Are you coming?

**Rob** No way, I'm not following you.

**Sandbag** Why?

**Rob** Remember when you took a right turn at Albuquerque? We eventually ended up on Hoth. We were trying to find the Twi'lek strip club on Cloud City.

**Sandbag** Well, I know where I'm going.

**Rob** Screw you. You know what, I'm gonna change my job after this mission ends. I'll become a famous actor and will be the star of a new Pixar movie. You can call me Wall E while I call you a piece of shit.

The droids walk away from each other. Rob eventually walks between two mountains.

**Rob** Man, this is boring. I need a smoke. Wait, what was that?

A little alien, called a Jawa, shoots R2 with a laser blaster.

**Waddle Doo** Ok, lets bring him back to our big ass car.

**Waddle Dee** I don't know how this is so easy.

As for C3PO, he was walking in the desert too, seeing nothing but a skeleton of a dead dragon.

**Sandbag** Oh just great, a giant skeleton. It looks like a dinosaur or dragon or something. But what is able to kill this creature… obviously something that can kill me.

C3PO then sees a vehicle about a half a mile away from him.

**Sandbag** Hey, there's a giant car over there. Maybe these friendly locals can help me find Obi Wan. I hope that they are peaceful.

C3PO quickly gets captured by the same jawas that captured R2.

**Chapter 4: Episode 4 Buying the Droids**

C3PO Sandbag

R2D2 Rob

R5D4 American Rob (blue color)

Jawas Waddle Dees

Wolf Owen Lars

Jigglypuff Beru Whitesun Lars

Link Luke

The Jawas were selling the droids to some poor farming family. I don't see how they could afford high tech robots.

**Waddle Dee** Ok, stand right here.

**Rob **You son of a bitch. I have equal right like everyone else! Wait, where's 3tpo?

**Waddle Dee** That sandbag?

A munchlax appears. The munchlax pukes out 3tpo.

**Sandbag** WHY DO I ALWAYS GET EATENED?

The munchlax eats a smartbomb and explodes.

**Sandbag** _Haha!_

Two farmers, Owen Lars and his nephew, Luke Skywalker, are talking to the Jawas.

**Wolf **So, if I buy the droid, can I sell it back to you for a refund.

**Waddle Dee** Well, you'll get store credit…

**Wolf **Ok…

**Jigglypuff **Luke!

**Link** What is it?

**Jigglypuff** Tell Uncle Owens to get a translating droid that speaks bitchy.

**Link **If you want someone who talks bitchy, go to cousin Ashley's house from down the street. Besides, I don't think we have many choices.

**Wolf** Luke! Take these two droids and clean them up, they smell like shit.

**Link** But I was going to go to Mcdonalds to pick up some hamburgers with my friends.

**Wolf **After your chores are done.

**Link **Ok, there's the punching bag. Uh, which other robot do you want?

**Rob** Pick me! Pick me!

**Wolf** No, we don't want the red Japanese robot, we want the blue American robot.

**American Rob** Hell yeah! Up yours Asian man.

3tpo walks away with another droid. The droid plays the song 'So happy together' by the Turtles.

**Rob** YOU MOTHER XXXXIN' PIECE OF SHIT!

When no one was looking, R2 blew up the other robot with a laser blast.

**Link** Uncle Owens! This droid is on fire!

**Wolf **Hey, WHAT THE HELL?

**Waddle Dee** We are not responsible for any unfortunate accidents.

**Wolf **Screw you!

**Sandbag** Hey, what about the Japanese droid next to it? I know him, he's in fine condition.

**Wolf** Fine, we'll take him.

**Rob **Booyah!

**Sandbag** You owe me big time.

**Chapter 5: Episode 4 Help me obi wan**

C3PO Sandbag

C3PO Sandbag

R2D2 Rob

Link Luke

Zelda Leia

At Luke's house, 3tpo is taking an oil bath while Luke repairs R2D2.

**Link** Man, you really needed a bath.

**Sandbag** Well, I get a little messy when I hang out with women, if you know what I mean…

**Link** Well, the only thing fun to do around here is traveling, hiking and shooting Womp Rats.

**Rob** You shoot rats for fun?

**Link** And meat.

**Rob** Disgusting!

**Sandbag** Uh, Luke… are you a trained mechanic?

**Luke** Well, I'm a poor farmer boy living in the desert… I had no training, but I think I know what I'm doing.

Luke accidentally activates R2's Windows Media Player. Leia's video plays.

**Zelda** Help me Obi wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

**Link** Who is that hot chick?

**Rob** Uh, it's nothing!

**Link** She is so sexy!

**Rob** I told you, it's nothing!

R2 turns off the video.

**Link** Ah… I wanted to see the sexy chick. Wait, did she say Obi wan Kenobi?

**Rob** You know him?

**Link** No, it's just a funny name, sounds Asian. Obi _Wan_. But there is an old man name Ben Kenobi. Must be his grandfather or something…

**Rob** You don't say…

**Link** Yeah, he lives north from here.

**Rob** Really… Well, look at the time, it's bed time!

**Link** It's 2:00pm.

**Rob** So?

**Link** I'm not going to sleep now.

**Rob** Fine, I'll wait.

During nightfall, R2D2 runs away to try and find Obi Wan.

**Link** THAT SON OF A BITCH!

**Chapter 6: Episode 4 Sandpeople**

C3PO Sandbag

C3PO Sandbag

R2D2 Rob

Link Luke

Goombas as Sandpeople

Lucario as Obi Wan

Luke and C3PO travel across the desert, trying to find R2D2. They are driving a landspeeder, a type of high speed hovercraft.

**Sandbag** Can I turn on the radio?

**Link** No…

**Sandbag** Please?

**Link** No.

**Sandbag** PLEASE?

**Link** NO!

**Sandbag** Oh, come on!

**Link** Why don't you play your DS Lite or something?

**Sandbag** I don't use DS, I have a PSP.

Luke stares at him.

**Link** You suck…

**Sandbag** So, what about…

**Link** FINE! Listen to the radio!

Sandbag listens to Piano Man.

**Sandbag** Piano man! Yeah!

**Link** Is that Billy Joel? Piece of crap…

**Sandbag** Hey! He's not that bad!

**Link** I just hate his songs.

**Sandbag** Oh, come on!

**Link** You can listen to Uptown Girl… but that's it!

**Sandbag** Yes! Love that song.

Eventually, Luke finds R2D2.

**Rob** Why do all my navigation problems happens when I'm in Albuquerque? Take a left turn, I end up in Japan. Take a right, I'm in a Bull Fighting coliseum. I still remember when the bull shoved his horn up my…

**Link** ASSHOLE! Don't run away from me ever again!

**Rob** Look, the 13th amendment clearly states that all forms of slavery are illegal.

**Link** Well, you're not a human.

**Rob** So? What the hell does that mean?

**Link** Well, other aliens are used as slaves. Do you know how many female Twi'lek sex slaves there are on this planet alone?

**Rob** You know what, you're right. I should give you more respect… in fact, here's some good advice for you… GO XXXX YOURSELF!

**Sandbag** Hey R2, this guy hates the PSP.

**Rob** No freakin' way.

**Link** Well, the DS has cool games, like _New Super Mario Bros_ or _The Legend of Zelda:Phantom Hourglass_.

**Rob** Well, PSP has GTA, Sonic Rivals and Star Wars Battlefront.

**Sandbag** Oh, I love Star Wars games.

**Link** Me too, they relate to my life in more ways than one. Wait, what was that?

Luke climbs up a cliff and sees a furry giant Ox looking thing.

**Link** I see a bantha, but I don't… wait, there's one. What's the sandperson doing here?

As Luke looked at the Sandperson in the distance, another one sneaks up on Luke. He jumps up and roars.

**Link** Why do you sound like a donkey?

**Goomba** Because I am a jackass, no pun intended.

The tusken raider...

**Mario** What's a tusken raider?

**Sonic** That's the real name of the sandpeople. Tusken raider is their real name while sandperson is a nickname. Now don't interrupt my story.

The tusken raider knocks out Luke with his spear, club, looking thing. However, someone in a hood makes an annoying, loud, screeching sound.

**Lucario** Get away from him, you bitch!

**Goomba** Oh holy Sh…

After beating the crap out of the tusken raider, he sends Luke back to his house.

**Chapter 7: Episode 4 Meeting Obi Wan**

Sandbag C3PO

Rob R2D2

Link Luke

Lucario Obi Wan

Zelda Leia

**Link** You're famous across the universe and yet you live in a little hut?

**Lucario** I have my reasons. What was your father's name?

**Link** Anakin Skywalker… why?

**Lucario** Oh, I remember him… he fought in the clone wars.

**Link** He was a navigator. He was no warrior.

**Lucario** No, that's what your uncle wanted to hear.

**Link** How do you know?

**Lucario** I was once a Jedi knight like your father. He was a badass warrior. He was a good friend. We watched so many porn, I mean, comedy movies, yeah... Oh wait, I have something for you.

**Sandbag** I'm gonna sleep while you tell Luke some valuable information that I should know about.

**Link** Ok…

C3PO falls asleep. Lucario pulls out a lightsaber.

**Link** Is that a lightsaber?

**Lucario** No, it's a beam sword.

**Link** Is there a difference?

**Lucario** I don't want to get sued for copyrighting. It's an elegant weapon and can kick some ass.

Luke tries out the lightsaber for a few seconds before turning it off.

**Link** How did my father die?

**Lucario** One of my pupils, Darth Vader, became a powerful jedi, but turned evil. Darth Vader betrayed everyone he knew and killed your father. I repeat, he killed your father. Your father is 100 dead and Darth Vader killed him. The reason for this was because Darth Vader was sent to the darkside of the aura.

**Link** Don't you mean force?

**Lucario** Aura, force, same thing… It's the energy created by all living things. Surrounds us, penetrates us and rapes us.

**Rob** That's nice and all, but I still have that video.

**Lucario** Well, lets see it.

R2 gets the wrong tape…

**Mario(fake)** Hey Peach, you know why they call me… the PLUMBER? We're gonna have fun with this thing.

**Rob** Opps. Wrong video…

**Mario (real)** Mama mia, what the hell was that?

**Sonic** Well, maybe if you gave me more respect in the smash bros series, I wouldn't be so pissed off at you.

**Mario** What do you mean more respect?

**Sonic** I'm only in the subspace mode for 10 seconds, I only have one stage, and more importantly, I only have one playable character, me. What the hell? At least make Shadow or Tails playable.

**Mario** Well, if your games didn't suck, then we would reconsider.

**Sonic** My games suck? Do I have to remind you how terrible your games are? The storylines never change, you're always saving Peach from Bowser in every major game you had.

**Mario** You suck

**Sonic** You suck

**Mario** You suck donkey ass.

**Sonic** No, I suck my girlfriend's…

**Mario** Mama Mia! Wait, really?

**Sonic** Uh, no… Actually, we haven't had a committed relationship… You know what! Back to the story! Back to the story.

**Zelda **General Kenobi, years ago, you fought with my father in the clone wars. However, I don't know who my father is; I know I can trust you. My ship is under attack and I can't send you to Alderaan. I placed important information inside this robot. You must send this droid to Alderaan too. Don't worry, I'm sure the Empire wouldn't attack Alderaan, the planet will be fine, but we still need as much help as possible. Help me Obi wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

(Long pause)

**Link** Isn't she hot?

**Lucario** Yeah… Listen, you must learn the ways of the aura too. You will help me save Alderaan. I'm too old for this…

**Link** What do you mean, you don't look old…

**Lucario** I'm at least 250years old, I think I should retire.

**Link** But, you look so young…

**Lucario** Well, being trapped in a scepter apparently doesn't make you age.

**Link** Scepter?

**Lucario** Did you see my movie?

**Link** No.

**Lucario** Of course, no one gives a crap about new pokemon movies.

**Link** Well, I won't help you. I need to go back home, my uncle will kill me if I don't get back to work.

**Lucario** Don't you hate the Empire?

**Link** Yeah, those Nazis should burn in hell!

**Rob** Nazis?

**Link** Yeah, they're Nazis, right? They have storm troopers, so they are Nazis.

**Lucario** Uh, those are different storm troopers.

**Link** Well, I need to go back home!

Luke rides his car back home.

**Chapter 8: Episode 4 Deathstar meeting**

After meeting Obi Wan, the commanders of the Death Star were trying to find the rebels

Dedede as Wilhuff Tarkin

Meta Knight as Vader

Ancient Minister as Conan Motti

Squirtle as Kendal Ozzel

After meeting Obi Wan, the commanders of the Death Star were trying to find the rebels.

**Meta Knight** I repeat, why is the thermal exhaust port the number one weak spot of the Deathstar?

**Ancient Minister** Well, if someone shoots an explosive in that 2meter wide hole, then… umm… the entire 100mile wide battle station explodes.

**Meta Knight** Ok, Ok… that's good… WTF? What dumb ass made that design flaw?

**Dedede** Uh… It wasn't me… no, no, it wasn't me.

**Meta Knight** And what about the rebels? The droids carrying blueprints of this battle station have yet to be found. They can find the weak spot!

**Ancient Minister** No, they won't attack this battle station; it's too large and badass! Since this station is so damn powerful, I suggest that we use it.

**Meta Knight** Please… even this manmade planet isn't as strong and deadly as the powah of the force.

**Ancient Minister** The force? Don't give us that load of shit again. The force is nothing but your imagination. The jedi religion is all but gone, and I suggest that you study an actually religion that isn't a bunch of bullcrap. Did the force recapture our plans yet? Did it find the rebel base yet? No! Why don't you take Christianity or something with logic instead of that prehistoric religion, after…

Vader uses force choke to choke Conan Motti.

**Meta Knight** I find your lack in the force disturbing. It's more disturbing than eating the Pizza from Domino's, I would rather go to Little Caesars.

**Ancient Minister** He's cho-king my li-mb-less bo-dy. Help!

**Dedede** That's enough, Vader, release him!

**Meta Knight** Oh come on, I want to kill him!

**Dedede** You can choke Kendal Oz in the sequel.

**Squirtle** What?

**Meta Knight** Fine…

Vader releases him.

**Ancient Minister** (tired) You better burn in hell, you bitch.

**Dedede** Well, we still have the Princess, we can ask her where the base is before her execution.

**Meta Knight** I guess so, but she doesn't seem to be trusting. I doubt that she'll tell the truth.

**Dedede** Well, if our IT-O interrogator droid doesn't work, I have a backup. We're going to Alderaan.

**Meta Knight** Sweet, a vacation!

**Dedede** No, idiot. If she won't tell us the information, we'll destroy the planet.

**Meta Knight** But I want to hang around the beach with the sexy ladies.

**Ancient Minister** I heard that every country on that planet allow nude beaches.

**Meta Knight** Well, are there female only nude beaches?

**Ancient Minister** Yeah, but you can't go on those beaches, you're not a girl.

**Meta Knight** I know how to outsmart them.

**Dedede** For the last time, we're blowing up the planet! You can have your vacations somewhere else.

**Meta Knight** You old bastard…

**Chapter 9: Episode 4 Dead family**

While the Death Star commanders were talking about unimportant crap, Luke and his friends found a group of dead Jawas

Sandbag C3PO

Rob R2D2

Link Luke

Lucario Obi Wan

While driving back home Luke and his friends found a group of dead Jawas. Obi Wan (Ben) investigates the massacre.

**Rob** Holy shit.

**Link** Wait. These Jawas are the ones who sold me the droids. Ben, what are you doing.

Lucario Sandpeople don't have a lot of blasters, they need to conserve their ammo. These blasts were numerous but accurate. Also, the tracks are spread out. Sandpeople walk in a strait line to hide their numbers. These were stormtroopers.

**Sandbag** Nazis!

**Lucario** Wrong stormtroopers.

**Link** But why attack them?

**Lucario** They must knew about the droids.

**Link** If the Empire is looking for them, they could trace them back to the people they sold it to like my family back home. Home? Wait, OMG!

**Lucario** Luke, come back, it's too dangerous.

**Link** Like staying here and waiting to get killed by sandpeople is any different.

**Lucario** I told you, stormtroopers killed these jawas.

**Link** Whatever…

Luke finds his house on fire and his uncle and aunt turned into skeletons.

**Link** No… No! My home, my family, my porn movies! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Luke comes back and sees R2 and C3PO burning the corpses.

**Link** What are you doing?

**Sandbag** Cremation.

**Link** Can you put the fire out later?

**Rob** Maybe…

**Lucario** So, how was the trip?

**Link** THOSE MOTHER XXXXING TROOPERS KILLED MY FAMILY!

**Lucario** Hey, look at the bright side, you're not dead, and if you guys didn't look for me, the droids would have been captured by the Empire and the Rebels will have no hope for winning.

**Link** (pause)I wish to go with you to Alderaan. I want to kick the Empire's ass!

**Lucario** Lets go to Mos Eisley, we can find someone who can help us get to Alderaan.

The heroes walk to their car.

**Link** Wait, R2! Douse the flames.

**Rob** Oh yeah, my bad.

**Chapter 10: Episode 1 Flashback Maul**

**Lucario** I remember when I lost someone very important to me… Qui-Gon Jinn.

**Sandbag** Is he Asian?

**Lucario** No! But I remember the last fight we were in. It was against Darth Maul, an emo with tattoos all over his body.

**Link** Wait, are you going to do a flashback?

**Lucario** Yes. Flashback time!

**Mario** What do you mean flashback?

**Sonic** I'm not gonna do all 6 movies, but I will mention important events from each one.

**Mario** Can't we skip…

**Sonic** Damn it Mario, you're going to listen whether you like it or not!

Now for the flashback.

**Pit** So, we meet again Darth Maul.

**Wario** Oh, it's you guys. How should I kick your ass this time?

**Lucario** Don't underestimate us. The power of our friendship will surpass your skills.

**Wario** Power of your friendship? Gay.

**Pit** Yeah, I might have to agree.

**Lucario** Hey!

**Wario** Enough talk; beware of my double bladed lightsaber.

Darth Maul fights both Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi wan. They eventually walk on top of a bridge.

**Lucario** How do you not accidentally cut yourself with that? It's a double bladed sword and you're swinging with it like crazy.

**Wario** Cause I'm cool man.

Lucario falls off of the bridge and lands on a lower bridge.

**Lucario** You kicked me! You kicked me right in the face!

**Pit** Obi Wan, you must recover!

Qui-Gon punches Darth Maul off of the bridge and on to another bridge.

**Lucario** What, now are we fist-fighting? What ever happened to the lightsaber fighting? And why are there so many bridges here?

Obi wan jumps onto the bridge that Darth Maul is on.

**Lucario** Hey! Wait for me!

Darth Maul and Queer-Gon enter a hallway. While fighting, a group of plasma shields surrounds the area. The fighting temporarily stops.

**Wario** What's with these freaking shields?

10 minutes later, the shields turn off. The fight continues. Obi wan tries to run through, but the shields turn back on, blocking his path.

**Lucario** WHAT DUMBASS CREATED THESE SHIELDS IN THE FIRST PLACE?

As Qui-Gon fights, Darth Maul farts in his face.

**Pit** Ah, nasty!

**Wario** Hehe…

Darth Maul stabs Qui-Gon in the chest.

**Lucario** NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh god, no! No….

**Wario** Will you shut up? I'll kill you anyways.

As Obi Wan gets pissed off, the shields are disabled and he fights Darth Maul. Obi Wan destroys one half of Maul's double bladed saber, but the match still continues. Darth Maul kicks Obi wan in the face.

**Lucario** ENOUGH WITH THE KICKING!

Maul uses force push to knock Obi Wan into a bottomless pit. However, Obi Wan is hanging on a ledge. Obi wan's lightsaber falls down the pit.

**Lucario** Why does every video game have a bottomless pit?

**Wario** Wow, that was easy. Well, you can either fall, or jump back up here with no lightsaber and try to fight me.

**Lucario** Crap, what should I do?

**Pit** (flashback) You must recover…

**Wario** Don't try to fight me, it's madness.

**Lucario** Madness?

Obi wan uses force pull to grab Qui-Gon's lightsaber.

**Lucario** This is SPARTA!

Obi wan slices Darth Maul. Maul falls down the abyss.

**Wario** NO! AH! Oh shit, I'm cut in half! Stupid 300 Spartans jokes! AHHhhhh….

**Pit** I'm dying

**Lucario** No, that's not true…

**Pit** I'm growing angel wings.

**Lucario** You already had them before.

**Pit** Well, I'm growing a halo.

Lucario Son of a bitch!

**Pit** Obi-Wan, promise... Promise me you will train the boy.

**Lucario** I hate kids, but ok. I'll train him.

**Pit** He is the chosen one. He will bring balance. He will be a hero across the universe. He'll never turn to the dark side. Train him.

Obi wan cries right before he steals his teacher's wallet.

**Lucario** He had a girlfriend?

Pit Well, she's dead now.

**Lucario** You're still alive.

**Pit** But I'm still dying.

Qui-Gon dies two minutes later.

Flashback over.

**Rob** Who was he talking about?

**Lucario** What?

**Rob** The boy you trained.

**Lucario** Oh, it was Darth Vader.

**Link** Wow, big mistake in training him…

**Lucario** Yup. Big mistake.

**Chapter 11: Episode 4 Unnecessary Scene**

Unnecessary Scene

Unnecessary Scene

Leia-Zelda

Darth Vader-Meta Knight

Despite Luke losing his family, princess Leia was having even more trouble. Darth Vader put the princess in the prison inside his secret space station, The Death Star. Having a spoiled princess inside a prison can be pretty crazy.

**Darth Vader/Meta Knight **Ok royal pain, get your fat, sexy ass out of bed.

**Leia/Zelda **You call this a bed? It has no sheets, it's made out of metal, is this a way to treat a princess?

**Meta Knight** You are a prisoner and a member of the rebel alliance. I'll treat you like how I treat my sister, like crap. Now where are the rebels?

**Zelda** Up yours you bastard. Go FXXX yourself.

**Meta Knight** Ok, that's it! Send in the raping, floating, ball robot.

Vader sent a robot into the room. The door closes in front of the camera, but if you listen closely, you can hear what's happening.

**Zelda** NO! NO! N…. oh yeah, that's the ticket.

**Meta Knight** What the? Wait, you're enjoying this aren't you? How do I torture this 20 whore?

**Chapter 12: Episode 4 Mos Eisley**

Luke drives through Mos Eisley.

**Link** Why is this place so popular? It's a dump.

**Lucario** Well, that's why criminals go here. It's the largest piece of crap on this planet. That's why no one else goes here.

Four stormtroopers stop their car.

**Red Alloy** How long have you had these droids?

**Link** About a month, or something…

**Lucario** They're for sale if you want them. We start the bid at 20,000 dollars.

**Sandbag** What?

**Red** Not interested. Show us your identification.

**Lucario** You don't need to see our identification.

**Red** We don't need to see our identification.

**Lucario** These aren't the droids you're looking for.

**Red** These aren't the droids we're looking for.

**Lucario** You will give me 50 dollars.

**Red** Here you go.

The stormtrooper gives Obi wan 50 dollars.

**Lucario** Move along.

**Red** Move along. Move along.

**Blue** What the hell was that?

**Red** What?

**Blue** Why did you act so weird?

**Red** I don't know what you're talking about.

Luke parks the car.

**Link** How did you do that?

**Obi wan** Trick those stormtroopers? The force can have a strong influence on the weak minded and on prostitutes.

The heroes go into a tavern.

**Koopa Troopa **Hey droids, get out of here. We don't serve their kind, can't you see the sign.

There's a sign that says

No Droids, No Jews, No Fat Chicks

**Rob** Of course. We're just walking trashcans in your eyes. Well, when we save the universe, look who will be laughing then?

**Sandbag** Come on, let's go.

**Lucario** I need a martini.

**Koopa** Ok.

**Link** Give me a mojito.

**Koopa** Are you old enough to drink?

The bartender gives the two their drinks.

**Popo** Negola dewaghi wool digger.

**Link** What? Wool digger?

**Nana** He doesn't like you.

**Link** (pause) So?

**Nana** I don't like you either.

**Link** You never met me before.

**Nana** But you should know us. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on 12 systems.

**Link** What's your name?

**Nana** Cornelius Evazan, and this is Ponda Baba.

**Popo** Hi.

**Nana** I'm seriously badass.

**Lucario** Will you shut up?

The two criminals pull out their blasters, but Obi wan disarmed both of them and severed the arm of Ponda Baba.

**Popo** OH SHIT!

**Lucario** Don't worry, I know who can help you. Hey storm trooper.

**Yellow Alloy** What?

**Lucario** This is Cornelius Evazan.

**Yellow** Hey, I know you. And the other one is Ponda Baba. You two are under arrest.

**Link** Maybe you shouldn't brag about your bounties.

**Nana** Good point. Ponda, RUN LIKE HELL!

**Yellow** Come back here!

All three of them run out of the tavern.

**Fox** My name is Han Solo, and here's my first mate, Chewie.

**Dk** ROAR (My name is Chewbacca)!

**Fox** My ship is called the Blue Falcon, I mean, Millennium Falcon. Chewie says you want to go to Alderaan.

**Lucario** Is your ship fast?

**Fox** You never heard of the Millennium Falcon? It made the Pastel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

**Link** What? That doesn't make sense.

**Lucario** Yeah, it's like saying that I made the 5 mile walk in 2 miles. Do you know what you're saying before you say it?

**Fox** Well, I outran every starship owned by the Empire. They can't touch me. It will cost… 10,000 in advance.

**Link** 10,000? We can buy our own ship with that!

**Fox** Who's gonna fly it? You?

**Link** Hell yeah, I'm not a bad pilot myself. This is bullshit.

**Lucario** We'll pay 2,000 now and 15 grand when we reach Alderaan.

**Fox** 17? You got yourselves a pilot. Docking bay 94 is where my ship is.

**Lucario** Ok, lets go Luke.

Obi wan and Luke walk away.

**Link** WHY PAY 7,000 EXTRA? You're crazy!

**Chapter 13: Episode 4 Greedo**

**Fox** 17,000? Those desperate idiots, this will save my ass for sure. Chewie, start up the ship.

Chewbacca walks out of the tavern. Han Solo is stopped by another bounty hunter, Greedo, the reptile alien thing... They have a conversation while Greedo holds his gun at Han Solo's face.

**DiddyKong** Going somewhere Solo?

**Fox** Yes Greedo, I was just about to see your boss, tell Jabba I got his money.

**Diddy** Too late bitch, you should have paid him the first chance you got. Jabba has given you a bounty so large, everyone will be after you. Luckily, I was the first to find you.

**Fox** But this time, I have the money.

**Diddy** Give it to me and I'll forget that I found you.

**Fox** I don't have it with me…

**Diddy** What? Where's my money? Don't make a fool out of me man, I want my money. I want my money man!

**Fox** Easy… tell Jabba…

**Diddy** Jabba doesn't care about you anymore. He has no use for cowards who toss their drugs out of the window at the first sight of a stormtrooper.

**Fox** Even I get boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice?

**Diddy** If you don't give Jabba the money, give him your ship.

**Fox** Over my dead body.

**Diddy** That's the idea.

Greedo shoots at Han, but misses.

**Fox** You missed me! I'm freaking 4ft away and you miss me!

**Diddy** Well, this gun misfires unless I charge it. It always hits at an angle when not charged.

Greedo charges his gun, but it explodes.

**Diddy** Damn it! It always does that.

Greedo uses a different gun and shoots Han in the face.

**Fox** Ow! Wait, I'm alive? What ammo are you using?

**Diddy** Peanuts.

**Fox** PEANUTS?

**Diddy** They hurt like hell.

**Fox** But they're not fatal, unless I'm allergic.

Greedo fires again, but Han catches the peanut in midair.

**Fox** This is a real gun.

Han shoots Greedo with a laser gun. Greedo dies.

**Fox **Sorry about the mess.

**Waddle Dee** Another murder.

**Koopa** Just look away.

**Fox** Just remember, I shot first, Greedo shot second. End of story.

**Waddle Dee** But he…

**Fox** END OF STORY!

**Chapter 14: Episode 4 Jabba the Butt**

(translation)Solo, come out there solo

Jabba the Hutt and his minions surround the Millennium Falcon.

**Petey Pirahna **(translation)Solo, come out there solo!

**Fox** Over here dumb-ass. I have been waiting for you.

**Petey** Really? Waiting for me? I'm touched…

**Fox** Shut up. At least I didn't run away.

**Petey** Han, my boy, you're disappointing. Why did you not pay me? And why did you fry poor Greedo? Why! Why! (crying) Why!

**Samus** Sir?

**Petey** Oh right (stops crying).

**Fox** Well, if you want to talk to me, talk to me face to face. If you send any of your guys to me, I'll shove a smart-bomb down their mouth.

**Petey** Han, I won't take exceptions. If all of my smugglers toss their drugs out of the window at the first sight of a stormtrooper…

**Fox** Oh for the last XXXXing time! DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF? Even I get boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice? But look, I'll pay you back with a little extra, I just need more time.

**Samus** Here we go again.

**Fox** Shut up Boba Fett.

**Samus** Hey, don't mess with me and my sexy body. (pause) I'll shut up now.

**Petey** Han my boy, you're the best, even if you killed Greedo. An extra 20 percent…

**Fox** 15, don't push it.

**Petey** Fine, 15. But fail me again, you won't be able to show your face in public, well, if you still have a face by that time.

**Fox** Jabba, you're a wonderful fat bastard. I'm off.

**Petey** Ok everyone, let's go.

**Samus** Hold on, I want to make a cool pose in front of the camera.

**Petey** What camera? Just go!

Jabba and his minions leave. Luke and the others arrive.

**Link** Hey Han, what's going on?

**Fox** Oh, the usual.

**Chapter 15: Episode 4 Leaving Tatooine**

Luke and Obi wan see the Millennium Falcon

**Link** This pile of rust and crap? We're riding this?

**Fox** Well fine, I'll just leave without you because you're a pile of shit. You want that to happen?

**Lucario** I'm sure he didn't mean it.

**Link** Are you kidding? I've seen Ford Model T cars in better shape than this.

**Fox** Just get in.

Luke, Obi wan and Chewie are in the Millennium Falcon.

**Fox** Now, do I connect the red wire, or the blue wire? Uh… well… Wait, what was that?

Han opens a door of a house and sees R2 and C3PO together.

**Rob** Before you say anything, we're hiding! For the last time, we are not gay.

**Waddle Dee** AH! Gay robots are robbing my house!

**Sandbag** Hey, what did he just say? We are not gay!

**Waddle Dee** HELP! THIEVES! THIEVES!

The Jawa runs away.

**Fox** Get on the ship.

The droids get back on the ship. Han continues to work on the Falcon.

**Fox** I'm sure it's red to blue, but… I don't know…

**Red Alloy** It's the Millennium Falcon! Stop that ship, blast them!

**Fox** Oh shit.

Han connects the wires and gets electrocuted.

**Fox** Damn it! I'll do it later.

Han runs to the door of the ship and starts a shootout with the stormtroopers.

**Fox** Man, you guys can't aim.

**Green Alloy** It's the stormtrooper effect.

**Fox** Really? You can't touch me? (dancing) Can't touch me. Dodododo. Dodo. Dodo. Can't touch me.

Han gets shot in the foot.

**Fox** OW! God, that hurts!

Han goes into his ship as it flies away. The entire town sees the takeoff.

**Waddle Dee** What's that?

**Yellow Alloy** Ufo! Aliens!

**Waddle Dee** Dude, that came out wrong.

**Yellow **Why? (pause) oh yeah…

As the Millennium Falcon leaves Tatooine, two star destroyers attack the ship.

**Lucario** We have company.

**Sandbag** What do you mean?

**Lucario** Two star destroyers.

**Fox** I have a bad feeling about this.™

**Link** You said this ship was fast, can't you lose them?

**Fox** Hell yeah. I'm making a jump to light speed.

**Rob** Where's Chewie?

**Fox** He's attacking the ships.

Chewie is tossing barrels at the star destroyers.

**DK** Just like the good old days.

**Link** Han, what's taking so long?

**Fox** I have to lock on to our destination.

**Rob** Lock on?

**Fox** Well, you travel at lightspeed and ram into a planet or enter a black hole and tell me how you feel.

**Sandbag** We'll be dead.

**Fox** Exactly, dumb ass. But don't worry, I'll lose them.

The star destroyers continue to fire, but the Millennium falcon is barely moving.

**Link** Did you do anything?

**Fox** What? Oh yeah, I forgot. Hold on tight.

**Rob** Finally!

The Millennium falcon enters hyperspace. In other words, they travel through a wormhole to travel at light speed. I really don't understand starwars physics.

**Chapter 16: Episode 4 Destroying Alderaan**

Tarkin and Vader are on the front bridge of the Death Star.

**Yellow Alloy** Vader, there's a rumor that you're hitting on the princess.

**Meta Knight** Yeah, I am, so?

**Yellow Alloy** Why are you hitting on the princess?

**Meta Knight** I'll tell you why…

**Dedede** Oh, I love this song.

Darth Vader plays his ipod. As the music plays, Tarkin does _the big gay dance_!

**Meta Knight** I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny

Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh baby, I wanna get with her, and take her picture.

**Yellow **That's enough!

The song stops. Dedede stops dancing.

**Green Alloy** Would you say that about your daughter?

**Meta Knight **What!

**Green** Would you talk about your daughter's sexy body? Will that be…

**Meta Knight** I have no daughter!

**Green** Well, I mean if you have one.

**Meta Knight** Um… She better be hot... If that's true, then yes. I would say that about her. WHY DID YOU EVEN ASK THAT QUESTION!

Some guards bring Princess Leia onto the bridge.

**Zelda** Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash.

**Meta Knight** What, am I a freaking dog now? Forget what I said before, you're a bitch! A sexy bitch, but still!

**Zelda** Tarkin, I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board this filthy ship.

**Dedede **Look, just because I eat a lot of fish doesn't mean you make fun of me for it. (crying) Even evil dictators who are trying to rule the universe have feelings. I can't control my rancid breath.

**Meta Knight** Sir?

**Dedede** Huh? Oh right, since you won't tell us where the rebels are, we'll blow up your planet.

**Zelda** WHAT? Wait, how can you do that?

**Dedede** Well, our battle station is freaking huge and its laser is freaking huge, we can destroy your planet easily.

**Zelda** WTF! Don't do that! Alderaan is peaceful, and has no weapons…

**Meta Knight** Don't forget the nude beaches.

**Dedede** Vader, stop talking about nude beaches! But if you want us to shoot another target, like a hidden rebel base, then tell us where they are!

Leia doesn't speak.

**Dedede** Fine, charge the lasers! Fire in 10, 9, 8… what, what comes after 8?

**Zelda** Dantooine! There's a large rebel base on Dantooine!

**Dedede** That's a good princess. Fire the laser anyways; I want to blow up a planet.

**Meta Knight** Yeah! Blow up a planet!

**Zelda** YOU MOTHER XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXX SUCKING XXX XXXXXXX PIECE OF SHIT!

**Meta Knight** Wow, she's pissed off. Told you she was a bitch.

**Dedede** Yeah, fire the laser.

The Death Star destroys Alderaan. Leia faints.

**Dedede** Yes, I'm so happy, I could dance right now!

**All but Dedede** NO DANCING!

**Dedede** Fine, just send the princess back in the jail cell.

**Meta Knight** Hey Tarkin, I got it on video.

**Dedede** Sweet.

5 minutes later.

**Meta Knight** Our scouts searched the planet of Dantooine.

**Dedede** That was fast.

**Meta Knight** Yeah, well there was a rebel base, but the rebels have been gone for at least 3 years. There's no one in the abandoned bases except for some hobos.

**Dedede** She lied to us? WTF is wrong with her! I so want to kill her!

**Meta Knight** Well, there's nothing stopping you from doing that.

**Dedede** Really? Oh yeah. Start an execution at 6:00pm.

**Meta Knight** Why 6?

**Dedede** I want her death to be on the 6:00 news. While we wait, I'm gonna toss midgets at her.

Tarkin pulls out a midget.

**Waddle Dee** WHY DO YOU DO THIS!

**Dedede** It's fun to toss midgets at people.

**Chapter 17: Episode 4 Landing on the Death Star**

The Millennium Falcon is still in hyperspace as Alderaan is destroyed.

**Lucario** I feel a great disturbance in the force.

**Fox** Is it from Chewie's homemade tacos? They can give you serious heartburn.

**Link** Shut up Solo.

**Lucario** No, it was like millions of souls screamed in terror and they were all silenced at the same time.

**Sandbag** It's the apocalypse, the rapture, end of the universe. HUG ME!

**Link** Get the XXXX away from me.

**DK** I'll hug you.

**Lucario** Ok… Luke, go back to training.

Luke grabs his lightsaber while a floating droid flies in front of him.

**Link** What do I do exactly?

**Lucario** Reflect the laser blasts.

**Sandbag** What? Lasers? Is this safe?

**Lucario** Just let him do it.

**Link** Well… I don't know…

**Fox** Pussy.

**Link** Shut the hell up! Fine, I'll show you that I can do this.

**Droid** I'm a firin mah lazah!

The robot shoots Luke in the arm.

**Link** OW! WHY ARE THESE REAL LASERS! They hurt like hell! How can anyone possible dodge these blasts?

**Lucario** Put the blast shield on your helmet.

Luke puts on the blast shield of the helmet. The metal shield blocks Luke's eyes.

**Link** Great, now I can't see.

Luke tries again but fails again.

**Link** It's not working Einstein.

**Lucario** Use your feelings. Feel the lightsaber, feel the robot.

**Link** I would rather feel some hot chicks rack.

**Lucario** Nice, just do it.

Luke was able to reflect three every rapid laser blasts.

**Link** Sweet, it worked.

**Fox** That's because you were lucky.

**Link** Lucky? Using only your luck, you try dodging laser bullets with a one inch thick lightsaber without using your eyes.

**Lucario** He doesn't believe in the force.

**Fox** Well, I don't believe in a lot of things, like 'global warming'. Jedi are just some insane maniacs that follow an illogical religion, just like suicidal Muslims terrorists.

**Sandbag** Wow, what you just said was… insulting. What is wrong with you, man?

**Fox** Well, I think that a close range swordsman will quickly get shot by a pistol. Seriously, use some common sense.

The ship starts to shake uncontrollably.

**Rob** What's going on?

**Dk** Astroids!

**Link** What?

**Fox** We entered an asteroid field.

**Link** What? We want Alderaan, not asteroids.

**Fox** And I want something to cure my diabetes, but that's not gonna happen any time soon.

**Lucario** Wait, the planet was destroyed by the empire.

**Fox** (pause) The planet was destroyed… by the empire? Call the mental hospital, they forgot this idiot.

**Sandbag** So, where are we?

**Fox** Let's see… We're on Alderaan. Oh… you could be right.

Then, a small military spacecraft flies by. This one is called a tie fighter.

**Link** Look, there's a pie fighter!

**Lucario** Pie?

**Link** Tie fighter, my bad.

**Dk** I like pie.

**Rob** Let's shoot him.

**Fox** Yeah, I like killing unimportant minions. Look, he's going to that moon.

The Millennium falcon follows the Tie fighter.

**Lucario** That's no moon, it's a space station.

**Fox** Spacestation? It's too big, jackass.

**Dk** It's no moon, it's yo mama.

**Sandbag** Copyrighting!

**Rob** Dude, almost everything we said is copyrighted in some way.

**Fox** (pause) Oh, it_ is_ a spacestation.

**Lucario** Told yah.

**Fox** Wait, oh crap, we're stuck in the tractor beam. We can't escape.

**Link** Now what?

**Fox** Don't worry, we're not going down without a fight, kid.

**Lucario** There are other alternatives than fighting.

**Sandbag** You're right, we should just surrender.

**Fox** No! I got a better idea… Espionage. I got a video on 'Being a Spy For Dummies'.

The video plays.

**Snake** Hello, welcome to the training video, Being a Spy For Dummies. I am your teacher, Solid Snake. First thing first, if you are a man, get a beard, or at least a mustache. And if you get too stressed out, smoke. Smoking is fun!

**Rob** Oh god, no.

**Snake** Don't forget to have some sexy back. Chicks dig the sexy back. Don't forget to break the necks of your opponent, but if they have no neck, hit them at point blank range with a rocket launcher. Don't worry, you won't be caught in the explosion, even if you fire the rocket at your feet.

**Chapter 18: Episode 4 Sneaking on the Death Star**

Vader and some stormtroopers search the Millennium falcon.

**Meta Knight** Let me see the log.

**Green** Here's the log.

The stormtrooper pulls out a _wooden_ log.

**Meta Knight** That's not funny.

**Blue** Yeah, that… that was just lame.

**Green** Well, XXXX YOU!

The stormtrooper runs away, crying.

**Green** No one understands me!

**Meta Knight** Ok… Well, you two scan the rest of the ship.

**Blue** Sir, you think they're still on the ship?

**Meta** No, I want you to steal anything they left behind. Money, weapons, computers, porn movies.

**Yellow** What was the last one?

**Meta** (pause) Computers? Just go. (pause) I feel something… a presence I never felt since… (farts) oh, that must have been it. I should stop going to Taco Bell.

On the Millennium Falcon, our heroes were actually hiding in a closet. They get out of the closet.

**Fox** I told you they'll never look inside the closets.

**Link** That's because Tom Cruise hides in there. They say that he never leaves the closet.

**Tom Cruise **I'm not in the closet. I'm right here, bitches.

**Rob** HOLY SHIT!

**Blue** Wait, what was that?

**Sandbag **Quick, hide!

The stormtroopers go inside the Millennium Falcon.

**Blue** Ah, it was nothing.

**Yellow** I don't know… I think there's something in the closet.

Stormtrooper shoots the closet. He opens the closet.

**Blue** Is that Tom Cruise? Did you just kill Tom Cruise?

**Yellow** Finally, he's dead.

**Blue** What's that on your foot?

**Yellow** A thermal detonator grenade.

**Blue** Oh, SON OF A BI…

Outside of the ship, a stormtrooper commander hears the explosion.

**Red** What was that? TK-421, why are you not at your post? Where's your partner, THX-1138?

The commander sees Han and Luke dressed-up like stormtroopers.

**Red** The radio seems to be damaged.

**Fox** No, the helmet is itchy.

**Link** And it's all sweaty… ew…

**Red** Itchy? Well, we normally don't have that problem. Come in TK-421.

**Fox** Yeah, and also, I have a name dumbass!

**Red** Chuck, you know we address each other by numbers, not names.

Luke knocks on the door.

**Red** Who is it?

**Luke** Girl Scout cookies. WHO DO YOU THINK!

**Red** Oh yeah, stupid short term memory loss.

The commander opens the door and sees Chewbacca, who is two feet in front of him.

**DK** Kill them all! FALCON PUNCH!

Chewie beats up the commander while Han and Luke kill the other stormtroopers.

**Fox** Chewie, don't do the falcon punch, that's copyrighting.

**DK** How is this story not copyrighting?

**Sandbag** I can't believe we didn't get hit.

**Rob** Well, not exactly.

**Sandbag** Is my head on fire again?

**Rob** Yup.

**Lucario** Worry about it later. Can you two droids hack into the computer and find a way to turn off the tractor beam?

**Sandbag** Of course, no one worry about my burning scalp, I'll be fine. All you really have to do is go on google.

As the droids hack the computer, a stormtrooper walks in the room.

**Green** Sir, what happened? Wait…. oh shit.

**DK** KILL HIM!

They kill the stormtrooper.

**Luke** With all the blasting and Chewbacca's yelling, it's a miracle that the entire station doesn't know where we are.

**Rob** They have no security cameras, that's why.

**Fox** What kind of lame budget cut was that?

**Rob** Yo, I found it! The tractor beam is fueled by 7 generators. If one of the power generators is turned off, the ship will be able to leave.

**Fox** You only need to turn off one? Don't they have a backup or something?

**Lucario** Well, it seams easy. I'm going.

**Link** I want to go with you.

**Lucario** No, stay here and watch over the droids. They have important information for the rebels.

**Rob** You know, I'm right next to a computer; I can just email them the message.

**Lucario** Uh… Ok. Still, you need to watch the droids. Besides, last thing I need is an annoying kid on my back.

**Link** What?

**Lucario** I'm going, bye.

Obi wan leaves.

**Sandbag** You know… my head is _still_ on fire.

**Chapter 19: Episode 4 Finding the Princess**

**Fox** This…. is…. boriiiiiiiing

**Link** Well, Obi wan told us to wait.

A stormtrooper enters the room.

**Yellow** Uh sir… Oh bullshit!

They shoot that stormtrooper.

**Sandbag** The Empire will realize that their troops are disappearing very quickly. It's only a matter of time before we run out of ammo.

**Rob** Hey! I found the princess!

**Sandbag** Princess peach?

**Rob** No, not that dumbass slut, Leia.

**Mario** MAMA MIA!

**Sonic** Well, you have to admit, she is stupid as hell.

**Mario** How?

**Sonic** She gets kidnapped by Bowser in every game for over 20 years.

**Mario** Uh… you win this round… But your girlfriend is pink!

**Sonic** Yeah, Amy is pink… and so is Peach.

**Mario** Damn it! I'm bad at this!

**Sonic** You're too slow!

**Mario** Look, I know I can do better…

**Sonic** Come on! Step it up!

**Mario** Forget it, let's-a go back to the story.

**Link** Princess Leia is here! Where is she?

**Fox** Princess? What the hell are you talking about?

**Sandbag** She's at the prison on the 5th floor. And…. her execution is going to start in less than 2 hours.

**Link** WHAT!

**Sandbag** They're going to rape her first. Then inject her with poison, toss her in a room of lions, decapitate her with a guillotine, have vultures eat her corpse and burn her remaining bodyparts until she is cremated.

**DK** (long pause) Wow… that sucks.

**Fox** No, the princess is going to suck a…

**Link** You better shut the XXXX up. Ok, uh… we should like, rescue her or something…

**Fox** Well, I don't give a crap about some princess.

**Rob** It's the princess of Alderaan, Leia.

**Fox** Oh… then… she's the princess of a destroyed planet? So she's worthless?

**Link** She's gonna die,

**Rob** And get raped.

**Link** And get raped. Thank you.

**Fox** Better her than me. I don't care about dying, but the only rapist I want is a female whore.

**Link** You want to get raped by a female whore?

**Sandbag** Who doesn't?

**Link** Well, Leia is hot…

**Fox** I'm listening…

**Rob** And she is rich.

**DK** I like rich hot chicks!

**Fox** RICH! How rich? 'Bill Gates' rich or 'rich in fat' rich?

**Link** Uh, Bill Gates rich…

Solo grabs a rocket launcher.

**Fox** OUT OF THE XXXXING WAY YOU BASTARDS! I HAVE A BITCH TO SAVE!

**Sandbag** Wow, that motivated him…

**Chapter 20: Episode 4 Going to the prison**

Luke and Han dress up like stormtroopers while Chewie has handcuffs, making him look like a prisoner.

**Link** I can't see a thing in this helmet.

**Fox** No wonder they can't aim.

**Link** Let's find an elevator.

**Fox** I hope there's no elevator music.

After going up the elevator, they see a group of officers at the jail.

**Red** What is that?

**Link** A wookie.

**Red** Since when did we capture a wookie?

**Fox** I don't know.

**Red** Well, where are you taking this… smelly, stupid beast/thing?

**DK** HEY!

**Link** Prison transport. Here, let me drop him off.

Han takes off Chewie's handcuffs.

**DK** Donkey PUNCH!

Chewie punches one of the officers.

**Fox** Holy crap, he's gone crazy!

**Link** Let me shoot him.

Luke and Han instead shoot the other officers and wreck the place. All the badguys are dead.

**Fox** Ok… why did you say that?

**DK** You mean donkey…

**Fox** Yeah!

**DK** Well, you said that the falcon punch was copyrighting.

**Link** I don't think this is a good alternative.

A phone rings. Han answers it.

**Yellow** Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?

**Fox** Yes, uh… everything is ok. We just had a small weapons malfunction.

**Yellow** Oh… well, tell me if it gets worse. (hangs up)

**Fox** Dumbass.

**Chapter 21: Episode 4 The Prison**

**Fox** So… how will I know what she looks like?

**Link** She's a princess, she's hot and she's white.

**Fox** Thank god.

**Link** Shut up, just go.

5 minutes later, Han comes back.

**Fox** I couldn't find the right one, so I rescued some other women. (Krystal, Daisy and a Gardevoir)

**Link** No, you are not bringing random passengers on the millennium falcon.

**Fox** First, they are not random, they are sexy. Second, it's my ship…

**Link** I don't care, we won't have them all on the ship.

**Fox** COME ON! Please...

**Link** Get rid of one of them.

**Fox** I'll get rid of the annoying ripoff that no one gives a shit about.

**Daisy** WTF is wrong with you?

**Fox** Easy, I'll rescue you later.

Han puts the hoe back into the prison cell.

**DK** Will you rescue that one later?

**Fox** Frankly, I don't give a shit.

**Link** So where is the real princess?

**DK** Well, she's either in cell block 1138 or A113. I get those two numbers confused.

**Link** Are you sure?

**DK** I don't know… but just go.

The phone rings.

**Yellow** Are you still there?

**Fox** Yup.

**Yellow** We're sending a squad up there.

**Fox** WHAT!

**Yellow** If there was a weapons malfunction, we have to examine the malfunction.

**Fox** Who says so?

**Yellow** I was reading an instruction manual. _Commanding a Deathstar For Dummies_. The squad is on the way.

**Fox** Uh, negative! Big no-no. We have a reactor leak.

**Yellow** Reactor leak! Don't worry, we're sending a hazmat squad up there.

**Fox** No, uh don't, we can handle this.

**Yellow** Wait a minute, who is this? What's your ID number?

**Fox** Uh, TK-421?

**Yellow** No, TK-421 is in the medical bay.

**Fox** THX-1138?

**Yellow** That's my name!

**Fox** Well, my name… (blows up the computer) uh… that was stupid. I'm not very good at conversations anyways. LUKE, WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG!

Luke finds the princess.

**Link** Don't worry, I found the real princess.

**Zelda** Huh?

**Link** (thinking) holy shit, she is hot.

**Zelda** Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?

**Link** What? Well… aren't you a little smelly to be a princess?

**Zelda** Aren't you a little freaking stupid to be insulting me?

**Link** Aren't you a little bitchy to be a slut?

**Zelda** Aren't you a little homo to be so close to me?

**Link** Shut up! I'm taking therapy. Look, are you coming with us or not?

**Zelda** What?

**Link** Ben Kenobi brought us here to rescue you.

**Zelda** Obi Wan Kenobi is here?

**Link** Well, I guess I'm not a little homo anymore.

(In Vader's office)

**Blue** Sir, Obi wan is here!

**Dedede** That jedi? I thought he was dead. Even if he's alive, he has to be extremely old.

**Meta Knight** Good point. Killing him will be easy.

**Yellow** Sir, there are intruders in the prison room.

**Dedede** What? Send all inexperienced stormtroopers there now! (does the big gay dance) I summon you troops!

**Meta Knight **Tarkin, if you don't stop dancing, I'll force choke you.

**Dedede** (stops) _Excuse me._

(In the prison) The storm troopers invade the prison.

**Zelda** Now what smartass?

**Link** Oh, shut up. You sound like my sister… if I had one.

**DK** Don't worry, I know how to defeat them… (Dances and plays some bongos)

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry

Never gonna say goodbye

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

The stormtroopers burst into flames.

**Link** No one can survive getting rick rolled.

**DK** It's like a musical falcon punch.

**Fox** No more falcon punches, it's pissing me off.

A stormtrooper shoots Chewie's bongos and they explode.

**DK** Why must everything explode?

**Link** Great, now what do we do?

Leia blows a hole in the garbage chute.

**Zelda** Get into the garbage.

**Fox** Ew…

Leia and Luke jump in.

**Link** You two better get down here before you get shot.

**Fox **Easy, no need to worry, these guys can't hit the black side of a barn.

**DK** Isn't it 'broad side of a barn'?

**Fox **I don't know. But it's not… (gets shot in the leg) OH SHIT!

Han jumps into the garbage chute.

**Fox** Oh god… (Wilhelm Scream)

**DK** You have got to be kidding.

**Zelda** GET IN THE FXXXING TRASH COMPACTOR!

Chewie jumps in too.

**DK** What did I miss?

**Link** Han almost killed us by shooting a door that ricochets lasers, Leia almost got raped by an octopus and all of us almost got crushed by the trash compactors. In other words, an ordinary day in Star Wars.

**Fox** Dude, I see a couch.

**Zelda** Should we keep it?

**Fox** No, let's just leave it. You don't know where it has been. It could have been in a simpsons couch gag.

**Link** Holy shit. Well… lets get out of here.

**DK** I wonder what idiot will take this couch, if it doesn't get destroyed by the trash compactors.

**Chapter 22: Episode 4 Obi Wan vs Vader**

Obi wan walks around the Deathstar

Obi wan walks around the Deathstar.

**Lucario** I still don't know why I can walk around this giant battle station with all these stormtroopers, and no one even knows I'm here! Vader, have you ever heard of security cameras?

**Meta Knight** Yes, I heard about them. I also herd u liek MUDKIPS!

**Lucario** Oh, hi Vader. How's your wife?

**Meta Knight** DEAD! You should know.

**Lucario** Oh yeah… well, when you're as old as me, you have to forget something.

**Meta Knight** Blah blah blah… let's fight.

They both fight each other with their lightsabers.

**Meta Knight** I was once a learner, now I am dah mastah.

**Lucario** Only a master of evil, Darth. And a master of making out with guys.

**Meta Knight** Well… yo mama is so ugly, she blew up the deathstar just by looking at it.

**Lucario** Wow, now I know how to blow up the deathstar.

**Meta Knight** Actually, there's this exhaust pipe… forget that! Continue the fight.

Some stormtroopers guarding the Millennium Falcon witness this battle.

**Green** Cool, a jedi fight!

**Red** Nice!

**Yellow** Hey guys, shouldn't we guard the spaceship?

**Red** Shut up.

They walk away from the docking bay.

**Fox** Ok, before we go on, is anyone here a Muslim?

**Zelda** No.

**Fox** Let's go!

**Link** Why did you ask that?

**Fox** I don't want terrorists on my ship.

**Zelda** Not all Muslims are terrorists.

**Fox** But all terrorists are Muslims.

**Link** Shut up.

**Sandbag** Hi guys.

**Rob** Hey. What's up?

**DK** Where did you two come from?

While everyone is running to the millennium falcon, Luke notices Obi wan and Vader fighting. Obi wan sees Luke before dropping his guard.

**Lucario** If you strike me down now Vader, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

**Meta Knight** Why?

**Lucario** For some reason, if I get the crap beaten out of me, my offensive power increases greatly.

**Meta Knight** But… you're pretty beaten up.

**Lucario** So?

**Meta Knight** So… I can kill you easily. And when you were not looking, I got a smashball.

**Lucario** Oh shit…

**Meta Knight** Behold…

Vader slices Obi wan in half, but his body disappears.

**Meta Knight** What the hell?

**Link** NO!

**Meta Knight** Huh? Hey! Stop him!

As Luke slowly awakens from a daze, easily dodging laser fire, Vader tries to walk towards Luke, but the door's control panel gets blasted by Luke and the door closes.

**Meta Knight** (rapidly) Don't close, don't close, don't close… DAMN IT!

Luke continues to shoot the stormtroopers.

**Lucario** Run bitch, run!

**Link** Oh yeah. I forgot, the Falcon.

**Captain Falcon** The Falcon Punch?

**Link** Get away from me.

Luke and the other heroes leave the Deathstar in the Millennium Falcon.

**Captain Falcon** What about me?

**Chapter 23: Episode 4 Tie fighter attack**

On the millennium falcon, Luke is mourning the loss of Obi Wan.

**Zelda** Luke, you seem to be taking this… well…

**Link** Yup, all I have to do is cut myself with my lightsaber. It is one useful tool.

**Fox** Well… if you don't mind, I will be drinking some beer and then puke it out 5 minutes from now, so please stay away if you don't like vomit in your face.

Han leaves the room.

**Sandbag** Hey, where's the bathroom?

**Zelda** You mean the door right behind you?

**Sandbag** Oh… well, R2 couldn't find it… and, things got messy.

**Link** Did things get messy or did they get shitty?

**Sandbag** Very messy and very shitty.

**Rob** (in the other room) AH! It's in my mouth!

**Sandbag** You have a mouth?

**DK** Hey guys. I just put the auto pilot on. What did I miss?

An explosion rocks the ship.

**DK** Then again… I might have hit the… self destruct?

**Link** Great… nice going.

**Zelda** No, we're under attack…

**Link** Great, I can't wait to bomb some dodongos.

**Sandbag** (long pause) What?

**Link** Sorry, force of habit.

5 minutes later.

**Zelda** So, how was it?

**Fox** Actually, the dogfight wasn't interesting. It was pretty pathetic. Wasn't interesting at all.

**Chapter 24: Episode 4 Deathstar**

Navi Hey, listen

The heroes had arrived at the rebel base shortly after. They quickly begin the attack on the Deathstar. As the fleet is in formation, Luke waits for the attack to begin. As he does, Luke talks to his friends on the radio.

**Link** Is it me, or does the hero always has to do all the hard work?

**Sandbag** Of course not. Now you go blow up that artificial planet while I stay here and drink some tea. I don't know why, but I sound like a British weakling.

**Rob** My voice is no better.

**Link** Whatever… Ok, where's Han? I need to tell him my strategy. It's like this… I create a distraction while Han rides a white/pink dragon like spaceship and kamikazes into the death star.

**Rob** Where did you get that idea?

**Link** Obi wan said my father did the same thing.

**Rob** Ok… sounds like something a short homo would do.

**Link** Exactly, except my dad was also pink and looked like a ball.

**Sandbag** You got a XXXXed up family. Wait, Han isn't here.

**Link** huh? Oh yeah… Han…WHAT!

**Sandbag** He… left… like a cowardly pissy-pussy-bastard.

**Link** You got to be kidding me.

**Game and Watch** Everyone, get in position!

**Link** Oh yeah, the battle.

**Rob** Don't worry Luke, I'm here for you.

**Link** Oh joy… I don't even need you.

**Rob** But I looooooove riding shotgun. I want to listen to the radio!

The Empire, now knowing where the rebels are, prepares to aim the deathstar at the rebel base.

**Dedede** This space station is slower than my grandmother when she's driving.

**Yellow** Sir, we are under attack. Look!

**Meta Knight** Is this an arwing or an x wing?

**Dedede** Vader, stop the rebels. I need to stay here and… FIRE MAH LAZAH!

**Meta Knight** Ok… but I'm using my pimped out tie fighter.

**Dedede** It's not that amazing.

**Meta Knight** (pause) S… SHUT UP!

Luke and two rebels go down a trench. Some turrets attack them. They try to dodge the blasts from some laser turrets.

**Game and Watch** That was close!

**Link** Don't worry, they can't hit us. They suck. Those turrets shoot 500rpm and still can't touch us.

**Game and Watch** But that blast came from behind. Not from a turrent.

**Link** What blast?

Vader and two of his stormtroopers destroy one of the rebel's ships.

**Rob** Oh crap, he got shot down by Vader!

**Yellow** No, that was me! No one ever credits us minor characters. For your information, Vader was too busy talking on his cell-phone.

**Meta Knight** Sorry, that was my mother.

**Red** I thought your mother was dead?

**Meta Knight** Uh… I don't know…

**Game and Watch** Sir, what do we do?

**Link** Just calm down, I see the exhaust port.

Luke sees the exhaust port, but as he approaches it, it closes.

**Link** Wait, is it closed?

**Game and Watch** Yeah, we decided to install a door in it just incase. (pause) Also… I'm a firing my laser…

Vader destroys the rebel as Luke retreats.

**Link** Ah shit, now what do I do?

**Navi** Luke…

**Link** Obi wan?

**Chapter 25: Episode 4 Final Chapter**

**Link** Obi wan? You're a ghost?

**Navi** Hey, listen!

**Link** I'm kind of busy.

**Navi** (Floats in front of Luke) Listen!

**Link** Go away…

**Navi** Hey! Look!

**Link** Seriously, I can't see.

**Navi** But I need to tell you something.

**Link** (pissed off) WHAT?

**Navi** I know that facing off against a manmade moon might be almost impossible…

**Link** Almost? Let me see you do this job easier.

**Navi** I'm dead… but doing the impossible isn't impossible.

**Link** (pause) What?

**Navi** Take me for example. One day, I had to fight the jedi killer known as General Grevious.

**Link** Another flashback?

**Navi** Yes… another flashback.

(flashback)

**Navi** Grevious surrounded me with an entire army of droids. Instead of easily killing me with his army of over 9000 droids, he decides to face me one on one.

Normally, Grevious is seriously badass He can easily defeat 6 powerful jedi without any help. However, that was the tv series. When it comes to Star Wars, there is one rule everyone should know. In the movies, the villains suck.

Obi Wan dodges Grievous's moves and cuts off two of his hands.

**Porky Minch** Wait, I have 4 lightsabers and 4 arms and you have only one lightsaber. HOW ARE YOU WINNING?

**Lucario** Because, I'm freaking Chuck Norris…

**Porky** Oh shit, I better run…

**Lucario** COME BACK HERE, DOUCHEBAG!

(Flashback ends)

**Navi** Eventually, I killed him

**Link** Anything else you want to tell me?

**Navi** Uh… I was on Survivor.

**Link** Really?

**Navi** Yes, I was on the German version and the Norwegian version.

**Link** Huh? Why would you in the Norwegian and German versions?

**Navi** Europe is a unique place. But I would say that Germany is better.

**Link** Because of the lack of jews?

**Navi** No! Germans know how to drink. A lot of beer. Don't forget the autobahn.

**Link** Do tell me, what is this autobahn?

**Navi** A highway with no speed limits. It is actually illegal to go too slow.

**Link** Amazing.

**Rob **WILL YOU FAGGOTS GET BACK TO THE FXXXING BATTLE!

**Meta Knight** No kidding, I just finished my sudoku puzzle 5 minutes ago.

**Fox** Seriously dude.

**Meta Knight** Huh? Where did you come from?

Han shoots down two of the Tie fighters, causing Vader to fly out of control and retreat.

**Meta Knight** I'm getting dizzy!

**Fox** Ok Luke, now blow up.

**Link** That's what we do on Mythbusters, we blow XXXX up.

**Rob** What is wrong with you?

**Link** I don't know; I just quote random crap from popular culture.

**DK** Hey, do you know chocolate rain?

**Link** Chocolate Rain… Worse than swearing worse than calling names. Chocolate Rain… Say it publicly and you're insane.

**Rob **Enough! Just blow up the XXXXXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX DEATH STAR YOU BITCH!

**Link** I can't shoot it, the doors are shut.

**Zelda** You can Kamikaze into it. If you pierce trough the outer layer of the deathstar, it will explode.

**Link** There's only one way to kamikaze… on a small pink plane with a rainbow tail (Dragoon).

Luke jumps out of his x wing and jumps onto another plane.

**Link** Hey Leia.

**Zelda** What?

**Link** How about a kiss, for luck?

**Zelda** You have got to be kidding.

Luke flies into the deathstar, drilling completely through it. As he escapes the deathstar, it explodes.

**Link** Wow, I blew up a planet… Something only the deathstar could do. Unless you include Dragon Ball Z characters, they are sooooooo cheap.

All of the heroes return to the rebel base. Luke and Han gets medals personally given to them by Princess Leia.

**DK** Why don't I get a medal? I should… This is bullshit. (credits roll)

If you want me to create episode 5, all you need to do is wait. I'm taking a break. Only until this story gets 60 reviews will I return to continue it. Show this story to your friends across the internet and let them write at least one review.

**Chapter 26: Episode 5 intro**

**Sonic** So Mario, did you like it?

**Mario** Well, I thought Star Wars would be all about hardcore action. Instead, you got soldiers dressed in heavy armor that doesn't protect them from anything and the soldiers themselves can't shoot the side of a barn. I also wanted a sword fight…

**Sonic** Lightsaber duel.

**Mario** Whatever, a beam sword duel that was more… impressive.

**Sonic** Yeah, well this is only the tip of the retro starwars movie iceberg.

**Mario** There's more?

**Sonic** Yup, you want in?

**Mario** What?

**Sonic** You want in?

**Mario** Into what?

**Sonic** Do you want to hear it or what?

**Mario** Hmm… put more Mario characters in it and you got a deal.

**Sonic** Only if you put Shadow in the next smash bros game as a playable character.

**Mario** Uh, maybe as a costume…

**Sonic** Deal.

**Chapter 27: Episode 5 Hoth**

The Rebels are currently on the ice planet Hoth. As the rebels rest in a warm military base, Luke is scouting the cold planet, communicating to the rebels with a radio. He is riding a tauntaun, a kangaroo like animal designed for surviving in the wild, smelling like shit and rarely realize what is happening (it is stupid).

**Yoshi** Yoshi!

**Link** Tell me again… WHY an _ice_ planet?

**Fox** (on the radio) Well it was either here or Mustafar… which is a LAVA planet.

**Sandbag** Is that Luke? Tell him I said hi!

**Link** Whatever. (pause) Hold on…

A fast object falls out of the sky.

**Link** I think I saw a comet.

**Zelda** Really? Make a wish!

**Yoshi** Yoshi!

**Link** Shut up you smelly cow.

**Zelda** WHAT!

**Link** Not you, the Tauntaun.

**Fox** Where did the comet go? I'm near a window, I want to see the comet too. I want to have my own awesome sex-related wish.

**Link** It crash landed behind a mountain. I'll give you the coordinates.

**Rob** Wait, if it fell out of the sky, then it was a meteor, not a comet.

**Link** Well EXCUSE me robot!

**Yoshi** YOSHI!

**Link** Hold on. (turns off radio) What's wrong dude?

**Bowser** Wampa Punch!

A yeti like monster (Wampa) knocks out Luke.

**Bowser** FATALITY!

Back at the base, Han Solo realizes something important.

**Fox** HOLY CRAP! I forgot about Jabba!

**DK** Oh yeah… You forgot to give him a Christmas present.

**Fox** That… and he will literally kill me if I don't pay him the money.

**DK** Should we go?

**Fox** He can wait, it's not like he'll carbon freeze me… right?

**DK** Nah, he'll just shoot you in the head.

**Zelda** Hey, did anyone find Luke yet?

**Sandbag** He's missing?

**Rob** Nah, he's dead. Look outside, it's a blizzard!

**Zelda** He can't die, he's the only jedi in this movie.

**Fox** FINE! I'll find him, happy now?

Han Solo leaves the Hoth base.

**Rob** C3PO, did you see what happened yesterday?

**Sandbag** What?

**Rob** Han was trying to make out with Leia.

**Sandbag** Dude, who doesn't know that?

**Chapter 28: Episode 5 Wampa**

Luke was captured by a Wampa and lies upsidedown on the ceiling of the Wampa's cave.

**Link** How the hell did this happen?

**Bowser** (eating the tauntaun) NOM OM NOM. Tauntaun sandvvich make me strong!

**Link** Hey man, how did you shove me into the ceiling like this?

**Bowser** Spy! Oh, it's you. Wait, why are you not dead? I'll kill you!

The Wampa attacks Luke, but Luke finds his lightsaber and

**Bowser** 'Tis but a scratch. I've had worse.

**Link** A scratch? Your arm's off!

**Bowser** I'll still kill you.

Luke cuts off the other arm.

**Link** There, you are defeated. Now how should I… (gets kicked in the face) WHAT THE HELL!

**Bowser** You can't beat me, I'm invincible!

**Link** Both of your arms are off!

**Bowser** Just a flesh wound. (Kicks him again)

**Link** You want to lose your legs too? (Gets kicked again) Fine! (Luke slices both legs off and leaves the cave).

**Bowser** I hope I'm in the next Ultimate Showdown.

Luke walks outside into a huge blizzard. He eventually collapses from the cold and exhaustion. As he lays in the snow, he sees Obi Wan's ghost.

**Link** Obi wan?

**Navi** I know you're dying, but if you survive, go to Dagobah to train with 900 year old jedi master Yoda.

**Link** You want me to ditch my friends during a universal war, travel across the universe trying to find a planet I know nothing about and find an old guy who could be dead?

**Navi** Yes, and good luck, it's hard to find one man on a planet.

**Link** Well I guess if I use my landspeeder, I could make it back to the base. Oh yeah, YOU SOLD IT! UP YOURS FAG!

Luke faints. Han Solo suddenly appears on a tauntaun.

**Fox** What did you call me?

**Birdo** I don't feel good.

**Fox** No one cares.

**Birdo** Seriously… I feel sick.

**Fox** Worry about it later.

As Han aids Luke, Han's Tauntaun dies.

**Fox** Oh crap. Well, I'm freezing… I got an idea, I'll cut open my tauntaun's body and use it as heat.

**Navi** What kind of psychotic idea is that?

**Fox** Who said that? Is there a ghost around here? Or a ghost pokemon?

**Navi** Uh… no, there's no one here.

**Fox** Ok.

Han cuts open the tauntaun's belly.

**Fox** Oh… it was sleeping… and I cut open its body. Wait, was she pregnant? Well… crap. Hm… how warm is it?

Han stuffs Luke inside the Tauntaun.

**Fox** Did I just sit inside her colon?

A few hours later, a scout discovers the Tauntaun body and rescues the guys.

**Miles Tails Prower** Are you telling me that you slept inside the body of a dead animal?

**Fox** Yes.

**Tails** Uh... if I die, would you do that to me?

**Fox** What are you, gay?

**Tails** Huh?

**Fox** We should hang out more.

**Tails** You are weird.

**Chapter 29: Episode 5 Spy in our Midst**

Luke is being healed in the medical section at the base.

**Zelda** Will he be ok?

**Sandbag** Well, his brain is slightly damaged by frost bite, but he should be ok.

**Fox** Forget about the dumb blonde. What about me?

**Rob** You have to go back outside.

**Fox** What? I almost froze to death!

**Rob** But there was a comet that crashed…

**DK** Then it's a meteor.

**Rob** Whatever, just find that piece of spacerock. We want to take samples from it to see if aliens exist.

**Fox** Aliens? Cool, I would like to prove the existence of aliens. Right Chewie?

**DK** Cool.

**Zelda** Idiots.

Han and Chewie look for the comet/meteorite. Little do they know that the meteor was a droid of the evil empire.

**Metroid** What dumbass puts a base where they can freeze to death? These people are more idiotic than Family Guy.

_Flashback_

**Peter Griffin** Lois, I realized that you like hiding snacks from me, but please don't put the chocolate bars in the toilet!

**Lois** Chocolate bars… yeah… want a mint?

_Flashback Ends_

**Metroid** Someone please shoot me.

Little does the droid know that Han and Chewie are hiding behind two piles of snow.

**Zelda (on the radio)** It's a droid? Capture it. Set laser to stun.

**Fox** Ok.

Han shoots the droid but the droid explodes.

**DK** Holy ShXt!

**Zelda **Didn't you use the stun gun?

**Fox** I don't even think I hit him.

**DK** Holy ShXt!

**Fox** I did use the stun gun.

**Zelda **Maybe it self destructed.

**DK** Holy ShXt!

**Fox** Stop that.

**DK** Sorry, I was experiencing an episode.

**Fox** What kind of episode?

**DK** Episode 5.

**Chapter 30: Episode 5 Hoth Battle**

Han and Chewie returned back to the Hoth base.

**Zelda** Ok guys, the Empire knows where we are. We need to retreat.

**Fox** What? We are the heroes of this movie, we can kill them easily.

**Zelda** They have AT-ATs.

**Fox** (pause) Ah crap.

**Link** What are AT-ATs?

**DK** A tall horse or elephant like tank with a small head that looks like a penis.

**Link** So, we are fighting the universe's biggest dick?

**DK** Maybe. Leia, when will they be here?

**Zelda** Half an hour. However, our transports take a lot longer to load. We need to stall them while the other half of the army loads on the transports.

**Sandbag** I call the transports!

Back on the death star.

**Meta Knight** Dude, we didn't need to send our troops, we just needed to blow up their base with star destroyer lasers. Now that they know we are here, their energy shields are at full power and we need to do a ground assault, which all could have been avoided…

**Squirtle** Well… it wouldn't make much of a movie if the rebels were killed so quickly.

**Resetti** Idiot.

_FINSIH HIM_

Vader chokes Kendal Ozzel with his force powers, breaks his neck, decapitates him and crushes his skull.

**Meta Knight** Fatality. Ooo, I should totally join Mortal Kombat.

**Resetti** To late, Superman and Batman beat you to it.

**Meta Knight** Fine, I'll find another game series, like Soul Calibur.

**Mudkip** Put me in that game too, everyone lieks me.

**Meta Knight** Why not, my _apprentice_. Besides, your video game will be awesome. 5 stars defiantly.

**Mudkip** YES! YES!

**Resetti** Good call, good call.

**Meta Knight** You know what, you will replace Ozzel. Firmus Piett, you are the new admiral, lead our army to victory.

**Resetti** Ok, just don't kill me too.

**Link** I don't know why, but I think I should join Soul Calibur if I haven't already. But if characters like Mario or Sonic can't get in that game, I don't have a hope in hell.

**Game and Watch **Dude, stop daydreaming and get to your ship.

**Link** Ok (sees that snowspeeder) WTF!

**GW** What?

**Link** We're ridding in _that_?

**GW** Yeah…

**Link** To fight the 70 ft tall ATATs?

**GW** Yeah.

**Link** How small is the rebel army's budget anyways?

**GW** Don't worry, there's a harpoon on the back of it.

**Link** Really?

**GW** Yeah, it is really effective, it can stop an ATAT easily in one hit.

**Link** Really!

**GW** Yeah, all we have to do is tie the cable around the legs of the ATAT and the thing trips and falls.

**Link** (pause) I'm not even gonna ask, but thank god for George Lucas, for not knowing what he was saying and making a wonderful movie franchise that happened to have a brilliant beginning and a unappealing end. And as always, I will win this major battle, almost single handling.

15 minutes later. Luke is walking in the snow.

**Link** Well… that was weird. I destroyed only one ATAT and all of our snowspeeders are destroyed.

Luke notices the Millennium Falcon.

**Link** OH COME ON! No, no… don't pick me up, I'll just walk. Know what, I will go to Dagobah, so when my friends get captured by the Empire, look who needs help then.


End file.
